“Fireworks had for her a direct and magical appeal. Their attraction was more complex than that of any other form of art…which puts the keenest edge on beauty and makes it touch some spring in the heart which more enduring excellences cannot reach.” Jan Struther
I still remember the 4th of july celebration when I was turning 17…the first kiss of the summer just as the fireworks were going off. Everyone oohing all around and I was sure that I had finally found the real thing. Although that romance fizzled before labor day, I still reminisce about romantic beginnings, and arguably have spent years working at mastering the tools to keep intimacy vibrant long after the initial fireworks fade away. In my new book, Sex that Works, I share the stories that provided me these insights, but here in celebration of another fireworks holiday I offer these five fool proof tips on how to rekindle a relationship and enjoy reliable continuously improving pleasure with your heart’s desire….
1. Let your nose lead you to desire.
The most famous lovers of all time have always known that our most powerful access to sexual desire comes through our sense of smell. Scent is experienced by the olfactory and registered in the limbic part of the brain- where memory, emotion and sexuality is waiting to be stirred. Move towards a kiss by paying attention to smell and enhance the experience by using scented products that turn you on. Arousal is a switch in your brain, not your genitals and smell is the control dial to rekindling love.
2. Make love with your eyes wide open.
Eye gazing, even for only five seconds, look up and see the person speaking to you across the counter. Look up and hold your partners gaze when she shares her concerns about the car or the kids. The practice of training your eyes on the ones you love, extending from five seconds to thirty will teach you the truth of finding eternity in a minute. It will also prepare you for the simplest yet most extraordinary shift you can make to your physical love making. The vast majority of couples make love in the dark, eyes shut. Slowly, bringing light, cracking your eyes open to witness the person above or below you, while sharing the most entwined poses available to us, will surprise, bewilder and connect you like nothing else. This revolutionary approach to rekindling a relationship is harder than it sounds. Bearing full witness to the person you love in the act of love making requires stepping outside of your own experience in moments when we can be consumed by the power and depth of our own erotic self. Our sexual fulfillment has many expressions: sexual release appears sometimes painful, sometimes ecstatic, sometimes effortful, sometimes the essence of deep appreciation. We realize gratefully that connection is not about how we look. Having courage to both witness and be seen in the many faces that love generates will keep sparks flying.
3. Breathe together.
The communication you share in your relationship is the very breath of your love and also the currency of energy that sustains or depletes the life force between you. Practice aligning your breathing by listening more to the pauses between the words, to the tone of voice exchanged, to the aspiration of what is trying to be said, rather than just the words alone. Taking this practice into the bedroom by deliberately setting your breath together during intercourse is like adding jet fuel to the heat that penetration generates. Aligned breathing regulates the container of your passion so that both partners share the continuous awareness of each other’s deepest states. This kind of sexual listening opens the simple yet profound transformative force of awakened love to your intimate life. Again, this method for rekindling love is more challenging than it sounds on the surface. Adding breath consciousness elevates penetrative rhythms into a rain dance and conversation into connection.
4. Penetration and Lubrication
I never pull out the lubricant until I can’t stand it anymore, until I can’t wait another minute. Accepting anyone into you as deeply as intercourse provides for is a sacred and life changing moment. Lubrication eases the entry and creates a dynamic smooth gliding of tissue against tissue. Healthy lubricant ingredients not only soothe and heal during their use, but also build the elasticity and integrity of the tissue over time. There is nothing more explosive and deeply satisfying than sharing the fireworks of deep intimacy and connection of our most private selves.
Stay tuned for more tips on how to rekindle a relationship, here at Good Clean Love.