“Courage means to keep working a relationship, to continue seeking solutions to difficult problems, and to stay focused during stressful periods.” –Denis Waitley

One of the most important revelations I ever had about relationships is that the ones that tend to thrive understand the relationship not just as a product of the interaction between two people, but rather as a living entity unto itself. This distinction is everything because when we perceive our relationship as a living thing with its own requirements, we have a way out of the persistent and damaging competition of whose needs are being met. Instead, we can focus on fulfilling the demands of the relationship, which magically then creates the safety and space to meet all of the individual needs we bring to it.

How to Maintain a Relationship

Driven by the urgency to meet our own needs, our capacity for true relationship building is seriously compromised. Instead of creating a space of safety and allowing room to grow into ourselves, relationships built on the premise of exchange—where each person focuses on feeding the other's needs—eventually become fertile ground for betrayal and self-doubt.

The Trap of Scorekeeping

It all begins with scorekeeping. This endless tally of who did what for whom, who said yes, who said no, who asked first, who showed up, and who didn’t, becomes a constant source of tension. Keeping track of our needs, both met and unmet, turns into a cage. Someone always ends up feeling less than, and the weight of guilt lingers over every interaction. Instead of fostering a supportive environment, this dynamic breeds resentment and frustration.

This misperception and scorekeeping is also the basis for most of the betrayal that develops in our intimate relationships. Not only do we feel entitled to have our needs met, but the ways in which they aren’t, whether sexually or emotionally, become the elephant in the room that justifies almost any act of betrayal. We aren’t thinking about the container of our relationship or the damage we will do to what we are building. We are thinking only of how we cannot get our needs met with our partner. The more we focus on our unmet needs, the bigger they get- it is impossible to witness the ways the relationship is holding you, let alone the efforts your partner is making. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy, which turns into a million versions of the same story about how incompatible you both are.

Creating a Space of Safety

When relationships are built on the principle of mutual growth rather than exchange, they create a safe space where both partners can thrive. Instead of keeping score, the focus shifts to nurturing the relationship as a living entity. This approach encourages both partners to support each other’s growth and well-being, rather than constantly measuring and comparing contributions.

To break free from this cycle, it is essential to change the focus from individual needs to the needs of the relationship. This doesn’t mean ignoring personal desires, but rather finding a balance where both partners feel valued and understood. By prioritizing the health of the relationship, it becomes easier to meet individual needs in a way that feels supportive rather than competitive.

Embracing mutual growth involves seeing the relationship as a shared journey. It is about creating an environment where both partners can grow and thrive together. This approach fosters trust, empathy, and a deeper connection, making it easier to navigate challenges and celebrate successes as a team.

So, What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

The question really shouldn't be what a healthy relationship is meant to look like but rather what its essence consists of. You can make anything look beautiful on the surface, but when you cut through the perfect layers, what is the consistency of the core?

The truth is that no one else ever really meets all of our needs. A healthy relationship is like planting two trees in the same pot. Each tree has its own individual growth, yet their roots intertwine, holding each other close and providing mutual support. Your relationship has these roots. They are the shared values, trust, love, and mutual respect that bind you together. When you learn to think about your relationship as a living, breathing organism—a unique entity in its own right—you can start to nourish it in ways that support both partners. This perspective shift is transformative. Instead of focusing solely on your individual needs, you begin to consider the well-being of the relationship itself.

The essence of a healthy relationship is one of acceptance. It is a space where you come together with all that you are and intertwine with the likeness of someone else. In a healthy relationship, you feel heard, respected, and challenged. There is a balance between supporting each other's growth and maintaining your own individuality. It is something that holds complexity and needs to be constantly attended to.

Acceptance means embracing each other's flaws and imperfections, understanding that these are part of what makes each person unique. It is about creating an environment where both partners feel safe to express themselves honestly and openly. Learning to re-think about our relationships as living, breathing organisms is how we can make the transition to feeding the needs that support everyone, and surprisingly, will finally meet your own.

Tips for a Healthy Long-Term Relationship

Now that we've explored the importance of focusing on the relationship as a living entity, let's dive into some practical tips for building and maintaining a healthy, long-term relationship.

It Starts With Honesty

Honesty in relationships is about authenticity and transparency. To put it simply, when you’re being honest, it means you’re straightforward and say what you really think and feel. It means you don’t willfully omit or misdirect others. There’s no manipulation with true honesty.

True honesty comes from a loving heart and a willingness to be open and vulnerable. It is about sharing your inner world with your partner in a way that fosters understanding and connection. Honesty is not the same as brutal honesty. Being honest is not an excuse to criticize or berate your partner. Brutal honesty is fear-based and often a form of lashing out. For example, when you say, “I need to be really honest with you,” it is usually in an accusing tone. You might say, “I am going to be really honest with you – you’re always dominating the conversation when we go out and everybody hates it.” That’s not honesty; it’s an attack.

Honesty, when done right, should be compassionate and considerate of your partner’s feelings. Instead of using honesty as a weapon, use it to build a bridge of understanding.

Here’s how you can practice compassionate honesty:

● Express Your Feelings Gently: Instead of accusing your partner, express how their actions make you feel. For instance, instead of saying, “You’re always dominating the conversation,” you could say, “I get really uncomfortable with how you act when we’re out with our friends and end up feeling embarrassed because I think it’s a reflection on me.” This approach is more about sharing your feelings than attacking your partner’s behavior.

● Communication! Be Open and Vulnerable: Share your insecurities and fears. Let your partner see the real you, flaws and all. This vulnerability fosters deeper intimacy and trust. Whether it be financial insecurities, self-esteem issues, or any other personal challenges, do not be afraid to let them see the whole of you. When you reveal your vulnerabilities, you open a doorway to a deeper connection. It is in these moments of honesty and openness that true intimacy is forged.

Nourishing Your Love

To flourish, anything and everything in this world requires gentle attention, but most of all, it requires time. Trusting someone with the sensitivity of your heart does not happen as organically as one might assume. It is a living, breathing muscle that seeks constant reassurance and exercise. To be looked upon with gentle, loving eyes, to come to someone with our vulnerabilities and be met with compassion and a loving touch—these are the moments that strengthen the bond. You do this again and again, not out of obligation, but because you are constantly evolving. A relationship thrives on patience, honesty, and the recognition that what you have with someone is its own living entity, deserving of care and dedication.