by Wendy Strgar January 24, 2014
“Be no longer tender. Cover me with frenzied kisses, – even as I would drench my body in the cruel torrents of the rain. Envelop me from throat to ankle in delirium intolerable….” ~Blanche Shoemaker Wagstaff
The most unique and universal expressions of our humanity occur in the moments when we are most keyed in to our animal nature. Whether curled up in our sleep beside our lover or child, or ravaging a perfectly prepared meal, our most basic human needs show us as the animals we are. This is most true in our fully embodied sexual moments; in fact I have found no other reasonable explanation for the human I become when I am utterly consumed in my sex drive. In all of these instances, the truth of our animal nature becomes clear- we don’t think our way into a nap, and trying to reason our way into our sexual selves is equally impossible. Whether it is sexual hunger or a rumbling belly, there is an abandoning of our cerebral selves, which our animal nature demands.
Most people would say that the most awe-inspiring sex they ever had happened in an out-of- control, swept away, no-holds-barred kind of way. We long to be taken by surprise, to be caught off guard as we tumble into our sexual animal self. This is why illicit sex has such a powerful hold on our culture and often wins out over the solid, predictable intimacy that marriage creates. It is hard to reconcile revealing our wild, unpredictable animal nature to the person who is cooking eggs with us every morning or folding the wash or shuttling kids. Even now, after years of raising four children with my husband, the transition space between our daily roles of wife and husband- and the unrestrained animal lovers we become can be jarring, to say the least. There are times when I fear that the intensity of our passion may have eclipsed the intimate capacity of our relationship container, but then as we slip back into the life companions and parenting roles we know so well, it becomes clear that giving each other the freedom to express this nature only expands the intimacy we share in every other mundane way.
Often times, my teaching self will pop into the sexy scene and I wonder to myself, ever so briefly…. how could I communicate some piece of this process to give others access to trusting their own authentic animal nature, especially with the people who love them most. Where is the gateway that moves us out of the cerebral into the body hunger? It is through our senses, and although my sense of smell is what I rely on to ignite my sex drive, it is sound that revs the engine. Many of us still suffer from the early days of silencing the noise of our sexual selves for fear of being caught by a parent or roommate, and while silent urgency has a little thrill to it, allowing the wide range of sound that our animal sexuality generates is incredibly freeing and surprisingly erotic. We growl, purr, grunt and hiss as well as any other mammal, maybe better, as our ability to interpret and expand on the sounds of love into language is literally on the tip of our tongue.
I am a little embarrassed to admit that I was nearing my second decade of marriage before I gave up repressing the noises that wanted to erupt out of me during sex. There is something primordial about the sounds that sex generates, and whether you are with a new partner or one that you have loved for a long time, sounding out in sex heightens everything- your vulnerability, your intimacy and your passion. As you begin, keep in mind that your sexy voice is usually different from your every day communicating voice. So be bold- try on new ranges in your voice, from low guttural whispers to high- pitched squeals. Experiment with the tenor of your voice- moving between uncertainty and commanding carries its own thrill… Paying attention to the layer of sound in your lovemaking not only provides a deeper texture to your pleasure but also clues you into how clear our communication can be without words. I have also found that sounds surrounding orgasmic pleasure balance the energy vibrating through me and open the way to a deeper release.
Most exciting of all is that freeing your voice is also a gateway to finding the language to ask for what you want sexually in a multitude of ways in sex. You can take on the playful speak of a ravished submissive or a dominant boor, even; and especially if these are completely out of character in your daily relationship, brings fantasy to life and offers a surprising and passion-inducing twist for even the most familiar of lovers. Using fantasy voices also encourages the transition that many struggle with to talk dirty to their partners. I remember well, how daring it felt to use the F word when I meant it in the deepest way possible. Although most of us were taught to not swear, getting going with your own sexy lingo makes some of the most forbidden of curse words take on new meaning. Exchanging the sanitary ‘vagina’ and ‘penis’ terms for slang words that hold secret power and meaning feels natural, almost instinctive, and invites you into a whole new level of play. And suddenly, talking dirty isn’t really dirty at all. Embodying your erotic potential begins with giving it a voice. What better resolution could you make than embodying this wild animal self?
by Wendy Strgar May 17, 2018
It becomes hard to trust your own thinking when nothing seems to be working. The space between how I thought it would go and how it is going seems to widen in front of my eyes. Maybe most difficult of all is how often the undesirable outcomes around us spill over into our relationships, both at home and at work. An errant comment too easily turns into an argument. I become blind to my impact on people around me, caught up in the unresolved problems surrounding me. During times like these, we often underestimate the power of the choices we make and how it can create a path back towards what’s working or down the slippery slope of self-destruction, which my husband affectionately calls “flirting with the gutter.”
Here is my short list to making it better when it isn’t working at all. Each one helps you do the next one, so start at the beginning and work your way down.
by Wendy Strgar May 03, 2018
by Wendy Strgar April 26, 2018