“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.“–Albert Schweitzer
A long holiday weekend is a great time to consider staying in to create your own fireworks. For as much exhibitionist sexuality that floods our media sources, many couples are hard pressed to find the time and attention that a healthy and vital intimate life demands. The sad truth is that many people do not know how to have sex. We presume that it is an innate skill like love, but the truth is that both of these capacities that define our humanity and our lives are skill based, which means that they respond to education and practice. It is no wonder, really when you consider that on the one hand, we are inundated by an exhibitionist, “anything-goes” sexuality in our pornographic laden culture, and on the other hand there is nothing. This is an empty and lonely place where most of us live with our questions about sexuality and wonder what is normal. Even most “Better Sex” videos are so graphic that integrating the images into practice is a far reach for many. The fiction of pornography is for many the only educations available.
As a purveyor of love products and a loveologist, I spend my days educating about products and relationships, which can enhance the real connection between people. One thing that I have learned over and over is that even though I am completely confident in my product formulations as tools for a longer and more satisfying sex life, the more I recognize that even the best lube in the world is not going to work if you don’t know how to use it. So here’s a little guide to the steps of making a spark turn into flame in your bedroom…
Step One- Desire and Arousal or Arousal and Desire….
Desire does not always precede arousal. Oftentimes if you give yourself a chance to explore the purely physical sensations of scent and touch, the body itself will open up by itself to desire. Many a night, we have a pre-set agreement for an intimate rendezvous and I arrive exhausted with no desire in sight. This is where love oil comes in. Scent is experienced by the olfactory and registered in the limbic part of the brain- where memory, emotion and sexuality is waiting to be stirred. Discovering desire is about waking up arousal and lighting the fuse. For me it feels like a process of falling deep into my body, a journey that awakens feelings of a thousand tiny fireworks just under the skin. Each and every time, I take this journey of arousal, I realize again how cutoff I am from really feeling my body through most of my day. Good sex should always begin with this journey, where the goal is learning to feel everything.
Step Two- Exploring Fantasy
The body is now awake and thus the possibilities for fantasy exploration are endless. Whether you have private fantasies, enjoy visual candy in books or video together or love to explore various roles and characters, healthy sexuality lets us abandon our normal reasoning self for brief moments to let the body’s cravings lead the mind. Whether orgasm is easy or challenging to achieve has a lot to do with your ability to let go and experience the odd and fascinating part of being a sexual human. Experiencing the pleasure of intimate touch without any fear of being somehow abnormal (which pretty much most people fear about their sexual selves at some point…) is how you move towards orgasm. This is not an experience you command; it is one that you open to and allows the body to lead you. If you don’t go looking for the finish line on this, orgasm has room to find you. This is the place to experiment, see how different tactile surfaces and vibrations change and enhance your experience…. the flame builds.
Step Three- Penetration and Lubrication
I never pull out the lubricant until I can’t stand it anymore, until I can’t wait another minute. It wouldn’t do its job in step one or step two, it wasn’t made for those places- it relies on your imagination and your willingness to do its job. Accepting anyone into you as deeply as intercourse provides for is a sacred and life changing moment. Lubrication eases the entry and creates a dynamic smooth gliding of tissue against tissue. Healthy lubricant ingredients not only soothe and heal during their use, but also build the elasticity and integrity of the tissue over time. There is nothing more explosive and deeply satisfying than sharing the fireworks of deep intimacy and connection of our most private selves. So take the holiday to make your own fireworks and don’t hurry to the explosion- lighting the spark and fanning the flame are what makes the light in the sky so exciting.