by Meghan Morgavan September 27, 2018
When our friends at Dame recently appeared on “Megyn Kelly TODAY” to talk about the pleasure gap, we knew the term had officially gone mainstream. And for good reason. The statistics on how often women reach orgasm compared to men are striking, especially in heterosexual relationships.
And yet, to many women this news isn't all that surprising. Why is that? And what can we do to elevate and validate women's pleasure?
The pleasure (or orgasm) gap refers to the discrepancy in how often men achieve orgasm compared to women. Statistics show that the disparity between men's and women's experiences of pleasure have existed for some time, even though the term only dates to the mid-2000s. A 2017 study found that 95 percent of heterosexual men in the U.S. say they regularly orgasm during sex, but only 65 percent of heterosexual women said the same. Furthermore, there is a knowledge gap as it relates to female pleasure. According to a study from University of Wisconsin-Madison, almost 30% of college-age women couldn’t identify their clitoris on an anatomy test.
We'd like to note that reaching orgasm is not the "end all, be all" of a meaningful sexual experience. However, this trend speaks to larger, more pervasive inequality in the ways women are taught about pleasure and how they ask for their needs to be met.
It’s not a huge surprise to learn that there are differences in how men and women’s pleasure is prioritized in romantic relationships and in the culture overall. There are many complex parts at play, but they can be narrowed down to two primary issues.
If you think back to your own sex ed curriculum, the subjects you probably learned about included puberty and reaching sexual maturity, how ovulation, conception, and pregnancy occur. Some schools may have also talked about STIs, contraceptives, and consent. But, rarely was there a focus on pleasure (especially the female orgasm) and more generally on sex being a positive, normal, healthy part of adulthood.
This gap in what adolescents learn about sex is filled in by our culture, leading us into an issue that is much more difficult to tackle…
The second likely cause for pleasure gap has to do with what social scientists refer to as the “socio-sexual script”. Basically, this encompasses all of the cultural norms and expectations we learn through the media (advertising, TV, pornography, art and more) that define what sex is and isn’t, and even how men and women should interact.
A key part of this script is that sex isn’t sex unless a man reaches orgasm. (If a woman reaches orgasm too, that’s great, but it isn't required.) When the roles are reversed – if a woman climaxes and a man does not, the script would say that encounter wasn’t really “sex.”
For example, while men and women equally engage in hookups on campuses, only half of women report climaxing in these casual encounters. Additionally, young girls are more likely to classify a sexual encounter as “successful” if their male partner was satisfied than if they themselves had reached orgasm.
Good Clean Love CEO and Founder Wendy Strgar describes this sorry state of affairs as an “if it was good enough for him, it was good enough for me” complex. Despite our perceived “sexual liberation”, women are consistently settling for less than their male peers.
Although ideas about pleasure are beginning to change, the old ways of thinking are often embedded in us and can have a real impact on how we think about pleasure in ways we don’t even realize.
The best place to start in turning the ship around on these trends is with ourselves and with our partners. Whether we are in a place where we don’t have the courage to advocate for our needs, or we aren’t granting ourselves permission to explore our own bodies, or just don’t have the information to make informed decisions – the grey area of pleasure can be deeply hindering.
Here are some ways you can put a priority on pleasure in your life and in your relationship:
by Good Clean Love Staff March 19, 2019
The percentage of people impacted by infidelity is somewhere between 30 and 60% of all married couples, depending on the study cited. More interesting than the differences between men and women are the different patterns of infidelity for each gender. Cheating men are more likely than cheating women to have an affair with someone younger than their spouse. On the other hand, cheating women are more likely than cheating men to have an affair with someone better educated than their current spouse.
by Kaylee Dye February 08, 2019
What is daily care of the vagina? We know how to take daily care of our face – we cleanse it, we balance our pH with toner, we moisturize it. But what’s involved with taking care of our vagina? And why take care of it every day?
Let’s first address why you want to practice daily care of your lady business.
by Meghan Morgavan January 24, 2019
It can be devastating to feel pain when you were expecting to feel pleasure. And yet, if you have ever experienced this, you should know you are not alone. The landmark "Sex in America" survey conducted in 1994 found that 1 in 5 women experience pain during sex, and this likelihood increases to 1 in 3 women when they are post-menopausal.