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Day 78: At The Beginning Again…

“The journey of a thousand leagues begins with a single step. So we must never neglect any work of peace within our reach, however small.” -Adlai E. Stevenson

From the moment I lifted my groggy head off the pillow, too tired to begin a new day, I struggled with the companionship and affiliation that fatigue keeps with negativity. It is like an invisible cloak that accompanies the tired mind, so not just my thoughts were fuzzy, but the whole of my being seemed to lag behind. These days deserve a walk in the out of doors or better still an afternoon nap. In retrospect, I wish I had given in and let my body lead me. Instead I pressed on, trying to bend life to my will and all the while my positive outlook that seemed so deeply ingrained in me seeped out. 

It wasn’t the outright negative talk that characterized my language in the past as much as it was the absence of trust in where I am headed, which so eroded both my coping mechanism and ability to respond. There was nothing wrong and in fact the world offered itself up with a picture perfect sunny spring day. But I couldn’t see the gifts, I was too busy trying to make something happen that would feel like progress, that would justify my work with a too tired mind.

How many more days will I spend on this quest, re-learning the same lessons. Listening to the places that say stop and surrendering control is still not a natural tendency. But the day could have been sweet from this place. I might have learned something from my tired mind. Instead, I got the whole nervous system involved and was left even more depleted than I started.

Tomorrow is another beginning, where I will honor the fatigue, walk the exhaustion out in the fresh air and hopefully disengage the negativity by looking up at the blue sky. It is not that complicated, but still at arms reach. Maybe it was on a tired day like this that Rilke reflected: “Make your ego porous. Will is of little importance, complaining is nothing, fame is nothing. …. Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves…”