"Good habits, once established are just as hard to break as bad habits." -Robert Puller
Although it was a year ago and several beaded bracelets ago, today I found myself practicing the oddly comforting old habit of moving a bracelet from one wrist to the other as I battled a new wave of negative thinking and fear that seems to have lodged itself deep in my core. Today feels like a true testimonial to the truth that the work of living a positive oriented life is like the work of love, ongoing and continual. Certainly past practice and a heightened awareness of negative patterns makes getting back on the horse a little easier, but only a little.
In spite of increasing the frequency of my good habits, I have been uneasy. I know I am not alone when we all share in the disease of current events. We are forced to look at how our culture of guns and violence turns tragically against us with& random shootings of elected officials and little girls, which simultaneously silence us and increases the purchase of more guns. Getting lost in the bad news is a slippery slope; just turn the page of any newspaper – there is more.
On a personal note, my business is facing some significant transition points and the confidence I have been using as a guide is now something I am having to mine as I am working with how my own past self doubts have grown into the critiques of others. Building confidence is at least partly bearing witness to the places in us that we have doubted.
So today as my mood struggled between irritation and frustration and my thoughts were increasingly peppered with negative assessments and projects of myself and others, I pulled my bracelet out of my purse. Also the sun came out and I went for a midday walk in the light. Standing in the bright sun with a blue sky overhead made it easy to remember how beautiful the world is. That was the trigger for a whole string of gratitude that pulled me to the edge of a hole inside myself that is achingly familiar and equally useless.
Having the beads of the bracelet dig into my wrist while I typed and cleaned the car was just the remedy I needed. I am back on track but I think I will sleep with it on.