“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force….When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand,” Karl Menninger.

Communication is much like breathing—when you bring consciousness to it, the act can fill you with life and connection. Recently, I've been reflecting on the power of listening, realizing that true listening happens not just with the ears but in the spaces beneath the words. Listening deeply is about developing a grace within yourself, a mysterious and magnetic force that draws others into a quiet, attentive presence. It’s here, in this space, that we can truly unfold and know ourselves. When we step inside another’s experience completely, judgment is replaced with understanding, unifying the speaker and listener in a way that leaves both feeling expanded and enriched.

Many of us are risk-averse in matters of the heart, which is why so much remains unspoken and so many relationships fade before their time. Staying connected requires taking emotional risks and wearing our hearts on our sleeves. Our most intimate connections cannot know what’s in our hearts unless we show them. By defying the fear of rejection and extending ourselves anyway, we discover our most basic human selves. Words often fail to describe things accurately; instead, they describe our relationship to them. This is where misunderstandings arise—our rush to communicate causes us to hear the words but miss the heart of what is being said. Slowing down and giving our full attention to the people we love allows for healing and connection beyond words. I am learning the power of loving silence, which gives those we care about the space to explore what’s inside them. While we cannot tell anyone anything, we can be a loving presence, listening in a protected and non-judgmental silence.

Verbal and non-verbal language is an essential element for committed relationships, friendships, business relationships, and virtually all other kinds of relationships. We depend on making ourselves understood to convey our wants and needs, likes and dislikes, thoughts and feelings, and to make requests of others. We also communicate non-verbally with our faces and our bodies. For example, when we are listening, we might tilt our heads a bit or lean forward toward the speaker. The speaker would likely perceive us to be interested and listening attentively. Conversely, if we fidget, sigh, roll our eyes, or make any of a number of faces with our mouths and lips, we could be accurately perceived by the speaker to be in disagreement, contemptuous, critical, or disapproving. If we are not mindful of this, it can lead to more mis-communication than words can ever ensue.

How to be a Good Listener:

1. Embrace Face-to-Face Connections:

Commit to having at least one real conversation, face-to-face, each week. Stretch your ability to listen and observe what’s behind the words. Notice the facial expressions, blinking, or twitching that occurs when someone reveals themselves. Start today and experience how different life can feel when you fully show up. By embracing the art of deep listening and heartfelt communication, we can reconnect with ourselves and others in profound and meaningful ways.

2. Be Clear and Honest: Say what you mean and mean what you say

Clarity and honesty are the foundations of effective communication. When you speak, ensure your words accurately reflect your thoughts and feelings. Avoid ambiguity and be truthful, so others can understand your intentions without confusion or second-guessing. This builds trust and minimizes misunderstandings.

3. Follow Through with Integrity: Do what you say and say what you do

In essence, integrity in communication is about being true to your word and honoring your commitments, while listening ensures that your words are meaningful and well-informed. Together, they create a powerful dynamic that enhances all your interactions, whether personal or professional. When your actions consistently reflect your words and are informed by genuine listening, you lay the foundation for deep, trusting relationships that can withstand challenges and grow over time.

4. Unplug and pay attention

Intimate conversations—where we see facial expressions, hear tones of voice, and observe the light in someone’s eyes—teach us how to feel and respond. Replacing these with text messages and emails eliminates the contact that cultivates our ability to empathize. In today’s digital age, we frequently find ourselves checked out of our lives, struggling to stay present amid the onslaught of digital feeds and devices. These superficial connections rob us of the true contact that feeds our souls and makes us human. Scientific research shows the cost of trading real-time interactions for social media voyeurism—we lose the muscle memory for the messy, gratifying work of truly showing up and communicating.

5. Own your internal experience

Your thoughts and feelings, needs and wants, likes and dislikes are valid and legitimate. It is your job to own your internal experience. That means identifying what is going on inside yourself, learning to articulate it, and finding the courage to express it. Ownership implies that you know and believe that you are okay with who you are and how you experience and react to your internal and external words. Other people do not have to understand or agree in order for your experiences to be valid, legitimate, and respected. This is about you!

6. Value Others' Perspectives

Just as your thoughts and feelings, needs and wants, likes and dislikes, and internal experiences are valid and legitimate, so are those of others. You may or may not understand. Please, respect their experiences. Your response? Agree to disagree. Accept without agreeing. This is about them! This is not about you.

7. Pay attention to your needs

When a need is unmet, it can lead to unresolved issues. In our relationships, we frequently encounter opportunities to express and address these issues. While it might be easy to fall into patterns of complaining, blaming, or criticizing, these reactions are often unproductive and can cause harm. Instead, try making a clear and respectful request. Identify what you need or what you would like someone to do differently, and communicate this calmly and directly. Focus on what you want to achieve, rather than what went wrong. This approach fosters understanding and cooperation, creating a pathway for positive change and stronger connections.

8. Learn to tell your whole truth

Notice I didn’t say the truth. Your truth is your recognition of what you are experiencing inside and outside of yourself at any given moment. If you are experiencing an upset or disappointment, you may know or understand less about what you are experiencing than at other times. Find the courage to say as much as you can about what you think, feel, need, and want. When you have more clarity or additional knowledge, be sure to share them with your partner.

9. Be a caring listener

Listening is a gift you give to others. Show genuine interest and care by giving your full attention when someone is speaking. Practice patience and empathy, making the speaker feel heard and valued. A kind and attentive listener can transform conversations, deepening connections and fostering mutual understanding. Listening is an essential and valuable skill. Becoming a good listener takes time and practice and is enormously appreciated by others.

The Power of Listening

The real art of listening lies in caring—profoundly caring—about what you are being told and about the person who is sharing their story. We have an incredible ability to expand each other’s worldviews, ideas, and expectations through genuine connection. Those who can converse with anyone are often the ones who have mastered the art of listening. They embody curiosity, empathy, and a genuine interest in others. The art of listening is, at its core, the art of being human. By honing this skill, we not only enrich our own lives but also create deeper, more meaningful relationships that can transform the way we understand and interact with the world.