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Preliminary O Before Penetration

I have been with the same man for a couple of years and have always had some sensitivity with sex. We always use lubricant but even with that product, it still hurts sometimes when he comes in me too soon. The only thing that I know for sure is that when I have an orgasm before penetration, (which sometimes takes some time) I don’t have pain and can sometimes even have another one inside. Is this normal? 


Congratulations. You have hit upon one of the cardinal rules of female sexual pleasure, which is normal and yet remains relatively unknown. The clitoral orgasm is one of the easiest and most immediate sexual pleasures available to most women. Exploring the many different kinds of stimulation on this part of the body is both fun and rewarding. Consider the range of sensations available by mixing up soft, medium or hard pressure, vertical, diagonal or horizontal strokes and varying degrees of speed. Learning what feels good and can bring you to climax will not only open the door to understanding your sexual identity and preferences but will improve partnered activities for life.


Having a clitoral orgasm before penetration serves to open and relax all the vaginal and pelvic muscles. While lubrication is an essential aid to enjoying longer and smoother penetration, the preliminary O, gets the internal juices flowing, as well. By that I mean, not only internal moisture, but the imagination and the nervous system gets primed for discovering greater levels of pleasure.

Biologically, we now bear witness to this connection through the new and updated understanding of the clitoris as an organ. The orgasmic release at the clitoral head traces its way down the clitoral roots into the vaginal wall, culminating at the g-spot. It is difficult, if not impossible for most women to connect with this internal pleasure center if they have not experienced a preliminary external orgasm first. As the walls of the vagina soften with pleasure, the actual sensation of penetration changes.

Applying this rule of cultivating an external clitoral orgasm before penetration has the added benefit of increasing the amount of time a couple spends in intimacy. Statistically, a woman is much more likely to orgasm with longer foreplay including both oral sex and manual stimulation and the subsequent intercourse is generally more pleasurable and painless.

I have been talking about this idea for a long time as I have had similar questions from many of my customers who wonder about pain with intimacy even after application of lubricant. I always ask them if they were ready to be penetrated when they had sex. If you are not really ready to have someone enter you, even the best lubricant in the world may help, but will not prepare you for the deepest connection you share with someone. That requires some work and letting go inside.

Taking the time to discover and cultivate your own pleasure before penetration is my way of thinking of love hygiene. It also works to even the timing out for many couples. I think it may have been in France when I learned of this technique in the context of a conversation about the difference between French and American men. I was told, “In America, the men say to each other: ‘How far did you get?’ In France, the men say, “How long did she scream?” Go figure.