by Wendy Strgar October 12, 2012
Moist love, as opposed to dry love, is a container where the partners adhere to each other. Think of garden soil and how fecund moist soil is literally the root of anything that wants to be cultivated. Any gardener will tell you that water alone is not enough to heal dry, cracked land and will instruct you on the seasons of amending the earth you are cultivating. This metaphor goes a long way in describing how to moisten the intimacy in your relationship as well. Tantra is actually the process of amending the foundation of your love. Even though its most immediate results are often measured in the passionate heat produced in awakened lovemaking, these moments are nothing but fleeting fireworks if the very same practices are not levied deep into the foundation of your love.
Make love with your eyes wide open.
Begin this training in the daily moments of waking, eating and living side by side.
In our hurry up digital world, we confuse regular texting as connection, in truth the biology of love requires real presence with full use of our senses. Intimate bridges to the heart traverse our neurological networks that begin with our eyes. Eye gazing, even for only five seconds, look up and see the person speaking to you across the counter. Look up and hold your partners gaze when she shares her concerns about the car or the kids. The practice of training your eyes on the ones you love, extending from five seconds to thirty will teach you the truth of finding eternity in a minute. It will also prepare you for the simplest yet most extraordinary shift you can make to your physical love making.
The vast majority of couples make love in the dark, eyes shut. Slowly, bringing light, cracking your eyes open to witness the person above or below you, while sharing the most entwined poses available to us, will surprise, bewilder and connect you like nothing else. This revolutionary approach to love making is harder than it sounds. Bearing full witness to the person you love in the act of love making requires stepping outside of your own experience in moments when we can be consumed by the power and depth of our own erotic self. Our sexuality has many expressions: sexual release appears sometimes painful, sometimes ecstatic, sometimes effortful, sometimes the essence of deep appreciation. We realize gratefully that connection is not about how we look. Having courage to both witness and be seen in the many faces that love generates will make the soil moist between you.
The communication you share in your relationship is the very breath of your love and also the currency of energy that sustains or depletes the life force between you. Sharing real intimacy with our words is the source of healing that amends the foundation of your relationship. Practice aligning your breathing by listening more to the pauses between the words, to the tone of voice exchanged, to the aspiration of what is trying to be said, rather than just the words alone. Frequently we don’t know the language required to express what we need to be heard. Learning to listen to the message behind the words is a profound daily practice of aligning your breath to your partner’s natural rhythm. By slowing down the communication, you reduce miscommunications because there is more moisture in the air between you. This softer space encourages opening in places you might not even have known were closed.
Taking this practice into the bedroom by deliberately setting your breath together during intercourse is like adding jet fuel to the heat that penetration generates. Aligned breathing regulates the container of your passion so that both partners share the continuous awareness of each other’s deepest states. This kind of sexual listening opens the simple yet profound transformative force of awakened love to your intimate life. Again, this practice is more challenging than it sounds on the surface. Adding breath consciousness elevates penetrative rhythms into a rain dance and conversation into connection.
by Wendy Strgar May 22, 2018
There is no time like long summer nights to cultivate our uniquely, profoundly human capacity for pleasure, especially sexual pleasure. Our pleasure response transforms our relationship to each other and even to life itself. Focusing on pleasure not only changes how we see our opportunities for intimate connection, but also invites us into a deeper relationship with our erotic soul.
by Wendy Strgar May 17, 2018
It becomes hard to trust your own thinking when nothing seems to be working. The space between how I thought it would go and how it is going seems to widen in front of my eyes. Maybe most difficult of all is how often the undesirable outcomes around us spill over into our relationships, both at home and at work. An errant comment too easily turns into an argument. I become blind to my impact on people around me, caught up in the unresolved problems surrounding me. During times like these, we often underestimate the power of the choices we make and how it can create a path back towards what’s working or down the slippery slope of self-destruction, which my husband affectionately calls “flirting with the gutter.”
Here is my short list to making it better when it isn’t working at all. Each one helps you do the next one, so start at the beginning and work your way down.
by Wendy Strgar May 03, 2018