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Conquering and Being Conquered

By Dr Tammy Nelson

Relationships are sometimes about conquering.  We conquer our fears when we conquer the object of our desire. Or we let go of our fear when we allow someone else to conquer us.

In the beginning of a relationship, we desire what we don’t have, wishing for our partner and longing to be with them.  And we long to be either conquered or to conquer them. It is a delicious chase to the end.  We pursue the object of our desire by creating a strategy to connect.

We either chase after the potential mate and try to attract them with our looks, or our charm or even our possessions or we hang back and use the “hard to get” strategy as a way to attract a mate with our sexy and distant allure. We want the other to want us and we long to belong to them and for them to belong to us. We are looking to feel wanted as much as we want the other.  This, when it happens, is initially elating and gratifying to our ego.

The conquering stage is also the time in a new relationship when we may feel highly charged sexually. We may have intensive erotic experiences with our new lover, either in real life or in our minds. We think about them often, fantasizing about sex with them. Conquering the longed for love object is a very intense reinforcement for our feelings about our own desirability.  This is an often a highly charged time and one of intense erotic exploration.

Can you recreate this feeling of conquering? Or of being conquered?  Ask your partner, now that you “have” them, what would feel sexy to them. The answer may be either a fantasy to be ravished in some way or of being the ravisher.

Think about what feels sexy to you – to be in control or have your partner in charge?  Usually we can go both ways in our lovemaking, but you may, like many people, have a preference.  Share this with your partner and see if there is a role play that will act this out.  Do you want your partner to be the pirate throwing you down to the deck of the ship?  Or would you rather be the massage therapist in charge of your partner’s every sensual desire?

Sharing fantasies can recharge that conquering energy and bring you lots of new ways to enjoy your relationship.

Have fun and Ahoy Maties!

Dr Tammy Nelson is a sex and relationship expert and the author of What’s Eating You?, Getting the Sex You Wantand the upcoming The New Monogamy due out in 2012.  Connect with Tammy at