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Day 321: Lost to Myself

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling  deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” -M. Scott Peck

I am in a hotel room, in the middle of a city, in the middle of the country where I am as alone as I have been in quite a while. Traveling alone, making my way through unfamiliar cities and highways is the quickest way to oneself that I know of.  Without the routine and familiar faces filling my days, witnessing the millions of lives around me is humbling.  I realize how much I rely on the people and relationships that fill my life to distract and define me from the depths of myself.

I am feeling lost to myself in this full length mirror that I am gazing in. Sometimes the best thing you can do about feeling lost is to dive into it. Adding resistance only complicates the feelings and adds a layer of defense that makes it harder to see into the empty space. You have to let yourself wade in above your knees, maybe even to your waist in the mucky waters of wondering what you are doing in your life when it doesn’t match with your dreams.

I know from past experience that this is a fertile muck. I will learn something new about myself here if I don’t try to avoid it or fill it up with stories.  Losing myself in life is never about what other people are doing or not doing.  It is about me, alone in the middle of Wisconsin in a silent hotel room.

The only thing that can make a difference when you are lost is kindness. It is the time when practicing kindness with yourself means the most.  Here is what it looks like:  letting tears come as they do, without needing words to explain them;  remembering that good things take time;  making a list of all the things that are so easily taken for granted and giving thanks for them one at a time.;  a good movie is nice too.

Sleep is also a generous and kind choice to a mind that can’t find true north and a heart that feels cracked.