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Day 41: Coming To The End Of The Day

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.'” -Mary Anne Radmacher

I am totally out of hormones. Grateful that my cyclical clock is still ticking, but the down turn hits hard. Multi-tasking is out of the question and just finding a neutral place to wait it out feels like a victory. It is easy to dwell in the place of what is wrong on these days of little hormones. The gaps in my abilities widen and I can see no clear path out, even if I am on it.

Pema Chodron, a Buddhist teacher, says that if you can stay in your feelings without going off on the storylines that surrounds them, on the other side of the feelings what ever they may be, there lies the bodhichitta, the enlightened heart.This is the soft spot, where compassion is born. It is the part of us that keeps us from hardening in life and has a lot to do with our ability to love- ourselves and others. I had some practice in staying with this wounded place in me today.

Something does shift when you can stay with your feelings. They become less overwhelming. Things come into proportion. It isn’t dramatic, but rather an elevated form of patience. It is like waiting in a cold rain. It might not be your first choice, but you can do it and maybe even come to see something slightly differently.

These are the days that I particularly cherish coming home and am so grateful to have come to the evening. Everyone retreats to their own corners and for a few short hours the quiet is golden. The cat asleep on the chair, the dog curled up on the couch. There is nothing more to do. What a relief. I used to suffer these down days so much, even in the still time when its over. I take this as a sign, that the positivity quest is working on me, even when I can’t feel it at all.