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Day 50: Progress Report

“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” -George Bernard Shaw

It is hard to believe that I have arrived at day 50 of my positivity quest. Here is the progress report as I see it.

Slowly my mind is changing. I am almost entirely aware of my emotional state now and cognizant of the attitude choices I am making usually within moments of the experience. This ability to bear witness to my own reactions has provided me a wider range of reactions within a shorter period of time. 

I still get into deflated, discouraged and disillusioned emotional states. I have noticed that these are less a choice than they are an emotional manifestation of deep fatigue. They slip over me like a cloak and usually are a good mirror for how exhausted I am. Interestingly, I still don’t see them coming and continue to overestimate what can happen in a day. I spend too much time tired. Definitely an obstacle on the quest.

The connection between taking care of my own needs and my ability to be a positive force in the world is a parallel universe. It is easier and easier to make choices about exercise, time with friends and even the occasional pedicure with out guilt, hesitation or remorse. Learning to love myself is partly about making boundaries and partly about believing that my own needs deserve my attention. This is still a daily practice that is up and down.

I have a new respect for the quality of my thoughts and my words. The wrist band and the gratitude journal are still daily practices that keep me vigilant about both what I think and what I say. Even now on day 50, the negative self talk can be so insidious that it takes someone else to point out the negativity. It requires an almost complete letting go of the ego as well as any idea that life is supposed to go according to my plan.

This quest has been lived a million times or more by so many people who have shared their wisdom on their way. One of the easiest ways to learn about anything is to look at what other people have said about the topic. W. E. B. Du Bois said, “The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become.”

This is my hope, my prayer and my intention still. And also to rest more.