For almost two decades, I’ve been writing the “Making Love Sustainable” column, which has evolved into a living, public diary that explores what it means to love, to lose, to be present, kind, and grateful. Through the years, I’ve discovered that gratitude practice—whether in love or life—is the bedrock of our emotional well-being. This is what sustainability in love means to me: practicing, failing, trying again, and growing in love’s rich complexities. But this isn’t just about grand theories—it’s about the reality of what life throws at us.
Over ten years ago, I narrowly missed what could have been a life-altering tragedy. My son fell from a roof and miraculously survived. That moment cracked open the floor of my existence, showing me how thin the ice beneath our feet really is. I got a glimpse into the abyss of loss without falling in. And then it happened. Three years ago, I lost my boy. Gratitude is a bold courageous act in a life that knows trauma.
Recently, I began actively practicing gratitude again; revisiting an old gratitude practice that I learned early on when Good Clean Love was mostly just a dream. Back then, I spent many years writing a column called Positivity Quest, inspired by my study of positive psychology. I dedicated an entire summer to the practices of gratitude. That was when I first understood gratitude as a practice, not just as inner wisdom that some people get and others don’t. It does help to grow up inside of that space, but it isn’t a prerequisite. Gratitude requires focused and sustained attention.
In the face of unimaginable grief, I realized that gratitude journaling wasn’t just a tool for good days. It was essential for survival. It showed me that even in our darkest moments, we can find something to be grateful for, no matter how small. Mindfulness and positivity are not luxuries—they are necessities for maintaining mental health and wellness. When we recognize how fragile life and love are, we begin to take nothing for granted. Every connection, every laugh, every moment of love becomes a sacred experience.
Gratitude and Self-Compassion: The Foundation for Healing
While gratitude often directs our attention outward—toward the people and moments that enrich our lives—it’s equally essential to turn that gratitude inward. Practicing gratitude toward ourselves is an act of radical self-compassion. It’s about acknowledging our strength, resilience, and capacity for growth, even in the face of adversity. We are often our own harshest critics, zeroing in on where we’ve stumbled or what we could have done better. But what if we paused, just for a moment, to thank ourselves for the effort we’ve put in, the love we’ve shown, and the progress we’ve made?
Self-compassion becomes the doorway to deeper healing. When we treat ourselves with the same kindness we extend to others, we create space for true transformation. This shift in perspective helps us embrace our imperfections, not as shortcomings, but as natural parts of our journey. Gratitude and self-compassion are intertwined, forming a foundation of emotional well-being that enables us to navigate life’s ebbs and flows with more grace and understanding.
Honoring ourselves with gratitude reinforces the belief that we are deserving of love and care, just as much as anyone else. It’s through this practice that we build the strength to continue growing, loving, and healing—nurturing a deeper connection with ourselves that echoes outward into all our relationships.
The Science of Gratitude and Emotional Well-being
Positive psychology has long confirmed what many intuitively know: practicing gratitude rewires the brain. By consistently focusing on what we are grateful for, we reshape our neural pathways, enhancing mental health and fostering a greater sense of joy and contentment. This is more than just a feel-good philosophy—it’s backed by science. Research shows that people who engage in regular gratitude practices experience higher levels of happiness and lower symptoms of depression. It’s a powerful form of self-care that builds emotional resilience and promotes personal growth.
When gratitude is infused with love, it becomes revolutionary. Imagine bringing this mindset into your most intimate spaces—especially when it comes to sexuality. Gratitude has the potential to transform how we see ourselves and how we connect with others on the deepest levels. It encourages us to embrace our desires, our bodies, and our partners with a newfound appreciation. In doing so, we open the door to richer, more fulfilling experiences—both in love and in life.
Gratitude in Sexuality
I’ve often thought about how gratitude lives viscerally in our bodies, especially in moments of sexual intimacy. It’s one of the most potent forms of connection we have. Sharing sexual pleasure is a sacred act of healing, a profound exchange that reminds us of our own worthiness and capacity for love.
Gratitude for these intimate moments is one of the most powerful ways we can honor our own energy. It’s a practice that not only strengthens our relationships but heals the emotional wounds we carry. It’s a sacred circle, starting from within and radiating out into the world.
Each time we make love, we are reminded that this moment is a gift—a fleeting experience that should never be taken for granted. It’s in these moments that we experience the fullness of life, love, and connection. Like a prayer, our intimate relationships hold the power to heal, not only ourselves but also the world around us.
Gratitude in lovemaking invites us to be fully present, to embrace each touch and breath with intention and care. When we intertwine sex with gratitude, it transforms from a physical act into a deeper expression of connection—both with our partner and with ourselves. It’s a reminder that intimacy is more than just physical pleasure; it’s an opportunity for emotional and spiritual growth.
This isn’t just poetic; it’s deeply human. Studies show that gratitude and intimacy are intertwined, as oxytocin—the love hormone—strengthens emotional bonds and fosters trust. These moments of connection are not just about satisfying physical desires; they lay the foundation for how we grow, love, and heal together.
A Practice of Love and Healing
Gratitude isn’t simply about saying “thank you”—it’s about being fully present in the small, everyday moments that carry the weight of our connections. Take a moment to pause and check in with yourself. What fills your heart with joy or makes you feel deeply connected? It could be the warmth of a shared laugh, the quiet comfort of a familiar touch, or even the stillness of your own breath. These simple, often overlooked experiences are the ones that deserve our focus, as they form the foundation of what matters most.
In relationships, gratitude becomes an act of deep listening. It’s about recognizing the unspoken gestures, the kindness wrapped in small, everyday acts that often go unnoticed. Tell the people in your life what they mean to you—let them know they are seen and valued. Expressing gratitude in this way nurtures a sense of trust, strengthening the bonds that hold us together, especially in those intimate spaces where vulnerability thrives.
Keeping a gratitude journal has retrained my heart to lead my vision. It sharpens my ability to see beauty in all its forms—from the rich hues of autumn leaves to the tender moments of intimacy that breathe life into love. Practicing gratitude in these sacred spaces—whether in the warmth of a simple embrace or in the depth of sexual connection—reminds us of the power that lies in presence, in the shared energy that sustains love.
What I’ve learned is that gratitude allows the minor irritations of daily life to soften, leaving room for what truly matters—the deeper connections that bring us closer. Whether it’s in the lingering touch of a lover or the peaceful silence at the end of a long day, gratitude transforms how we see one another. This shift in perspective is essential, especially in love, where the constant hum of life’s distractions can sometimes drown out the moments that should be cherished.
