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No Moans About It

by Tinamarie Bernard

When I read a recent blog by Nicole Daedone, founder of, I had two immediate questions: Are that many women really putting on moan shows when they are having sex, and if so, why?

Here’s what Nicole had to say about faking orgasmic pleasure, which basically, “amounts to lying to your partner. It prioritizes thinking (I should be doing this, I wonder how he’s feeling, etc.) over feeling.” She then goes on to explain the top five reason women do it, including:

  • She thinks it’s what she’s supposed to do, so she does it.
  • She thinks it will increase sensation in her body if she moans.
  • She thinks it will increase sensation in her stroker’s body if she moans.
  • She thinks her stroker deserves to know s/he’s doing a good job.
  • She wants her stroker to know s/he’s stroking too hard. (Weird but true.)

The rest of her straightforward advice can be found here (Most of it resonates with me, though we disagree on screaming like a porn star as a cure for faux bliss). If you haven’t yet discovered her work or her recently published book, please do visit the woman behind Orgasmic Meditation. It’s right up Modern Lovers alleys. In the meantime, I want to get to the moan of the matter.

First, science confirms that women are, generally speaking, inclined to be the noisier partner. (The best explanation for why that I’ve read comes from Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Human Sexuality (2010)). In a nutshell, there are evolutionary reasons for our throaty exclamations such as (so it’s been speculated) a way for females to announce they are fertile and willing. Circumstantial evidence for this explanation comes from our reaction to hearing others making love; many are aroused by the sounds of passion. Moaning is a natural part of sex, though how much and just what we groan varies considerably, lover to lover.

The problem is, our natural inclinations are, well, less natural these days. Conjecturing boldly but not off the mark, it is my opinion that the proliferation of porn has hijacked our loins and our vocal cords (notice I say porn, not erotica or sex-positive feminist porn. I hate to get so technical, but it’s necessary here. Readers know I love a tantalizing image, a suggestive story, the whole flirty kit and provocative caboodle).

Our culture of porn has convinced us that sex takes place in certain ways, including limited foreplay accompanied by all that (you guessed it) counterfeit clatter. *Oh yeah baby, I love your grunt, grunt, thick massive cock slamming me blah, blah, blah wah!* The result is that many are screwing in a stew of misinformation about what authentic secstasy should look, taste, feel and sound like. We don’t honestly think that cop shows accurately reflect police life, so why buy the imitation when it comes to copulation?

Women and their lovers aren’t the only ones to endure the consequences of too much sexual bullshit, not enough sexualove. I’ve written before about how this is harming our children (best reading bet is my article in called ‘Can America’s Attitude Towards Sex Get Any Worse?’).

In that article, I write: “What we face today is a perfect storm: puritanical overtones color many sex education programs; parents are overwhelmed; and policy makers face a deluge of sociopolitical pressures. At the same time rampant and repeated exposure to images, content and depictions of sexuality, particularly female sexuality, is narrow, sleazy or distorted.”

It’s gotten so bad, that I fear today’s young boys (Huge consumers of porn in ways beyond all previous generations) are going to experience rude awakenings about bona fide humping. An anecdote to demonstrate my point:

Recently, (during our Mediterranean cruise) Hubby and I were walking into an elevator. Getting on with us was a boy of twelve (we asked) wearing a shirt that read: Sexual Expert, First Lesson Free.

My beloved says, “Really? You are a sexual expert? Just what would a ‘First Lesson’ include?” In the meantime, I’m shaking my head and thinking, oh shit, this is wrong for so many reasons.

Boy lifts up his defiant chin and says, “Yeah, I am.” *insert adolescent snicker sound here* “For you, it would be in theory only.”

He didn’t have one bit of facial hair and still had a boy’s soprano voice, but enough bravado to brag to us about his prowess (I want to know what were his parents doing, letting him wear that t-shirt? Or worse.). Call me overconfident; I’m certain this young punk is another casualty of the sex wars against humanity, and is facing serious unlearning when the time comes to put his throttle where his mouth is.

However, I digress. My focus is to better understand the sensual state of things for grownups, which include, in my opinion, too much porn and not enough recreation. I concur with what my writing friend, Susan Crain Bakos, says on the issue (read the entire blog for the science behind her conclusions): “Anecdotal evidence and behavioral surveys and polls do indicate that cyberporn plays a role in men’s relatively new-found disinterest in sex with their partners.”

Without the mystery, is it no wonder that many (women) are going through the motions, pretending a delight they do not feel?

I believe that one anecdote is taking physical pleasure out of our heads and bringing it back into our bodies; and yes, my inner romantic insists I mention our hearts. The next step is doing away with the mental hiccups and performance anxieties at the root of shame and sexual inhibitions.  Throaty moans or yelps should be real and uncensored, verbal accompaniment to the whole sensual feast of making love. Nicole’s blog offers solid suggestions, and I hope you read it and comment here too.

You tell me: How we can restore the moans of gratification without worrying about what we actually sound like?

Tinamarie is an occasional poet and writer for several acclaimed websites. You can find her at twitter and Facebook, or send her a private message at modernlovemuse @ yahoo dot com.