The V-Word

There are many days that being married, or rather staying married is the most challenging thing that I do. This is still true after 24 years of marriage, no less so than it had been in the early years of my marriage. What is most interesting is that the conflicts we have revolve around the same issues and although we often succeed in living them differently, when the wounds are opened again, and usually with just a single thought, the thorns cut a bit deeper each time and the climb up after the fall is a bit further each time. Such relationship problems require constant effort and attention.

Well it isn’t just in your head anymore. An international study of two million people from over 70 countries confirms what is a remarkably common experience, yet little recognized as the life stage that it is. It turns out that the happiest times in our life span make a “U” and are situated at our early and late adulthood.

Researchers from Dartmouth and Warwick found this true across cultures and...

“You are what you love, not what loves you. That’s what I decided a long time ago.” I have remembered this concluding line of a conversation between Nicolas Cage and himself (when he played the twin writer brothers in the 2002 movie “Adaptation”) for over five years. I have many times thought back on it over all the stories of unrequited love that I have heard since then. Donald knew something...

This is the ironic feeling that happens in many of us as soon as the radio stations start playing Christmas songs non-stop. Rather than that giddy, most wonderful time of the year feeling, a vague pre-holiday fatigue sets in, with both the weight of expectation and memory of disappointment that feels so familiar you could almost sing it. This is not a humbug thing, most of us actually long for the...

There is a great relief to accepting where you are in life. Letting go of all the might haves or should haves and seeing what is left is where one’s real life begins. The idea that hindsight is 20-20 doesn’t really respect the fact that when that moment was fully present, you did the best you could. You made the best decision that was available at the time; you loved as much as you were able to. Giving up this looking back is how to start moving forward into the days that you have. This wisdom of “No Going Back” is useful in learning to embrace our current relationships as well as our relationship history.

That Rolling Stones refrain is playing in my head repeatedly of late and it seems clear that this is as true a love song as I have ever known. Although I would never have thought it in my earlier years, what I know of love that has staying power is that it is actually rarely about what you want. Growing up and cultivating sustainable love is mostly about learning how to accept what you get, turn it into what you want, or at least embrace it as what you need in a relationship. I learned this at work the other day, when a customer called to reorder some products.

Living with ourselves during the groundless moments of pure bafflement is not easy. All of our critical inner voices seem to shout louder and small inconveniences have the weight of real problems.

It may be that when we no longer know what to do

The goal of making a relationship sustainable should not just be to stay, but rather, to find and cultivate the places in the relationship that are worth staying for. Re-imagining your commitment into a healthy curiosity about the mystery of the other person and allowing for the ebb and flow of intimacy that is a normal part of loving relationships. Here are a few thoughts to help you explore...

The heart is perhaps the only muscle in our body that is stronger when it is soft. Firmness, strength and the ability to harden are key to core vitality throughout most of the body including our sexual organs. Hardening our heart whether it is in response to a political reality or a difficult relationship turns us into our own personal brand of fundamentalist. It is a slippery slope from the tightening in the chest to a self righteous stance about how the world should be. This can affect our emotional wellness and happens even before we see it happening.