by Wendy Strgar October 12, 2006
People have different expectations and experiences and desires about sex. OK, stating the obvious here, but actually what I mean to say is that people in the same bed, in the same sexual experience often have totally different expectations, experiences and desires… Individual preferences are impacted by everything from our personal history to our comfort with our own body- but because language is hard to find, I think it might be helpful to offer a few categories of sexual tendencies that might help in bringing you and your partner’s experience into harmony
Here are a few agreed upon categories of mental functioning around sexual experiences: Sexual trance, Partner engagement and Role playing. Sexual trance involves focusing on body sensations. This is the kind of sex people enjoy when they want to get out of their head. You probably prefer little talk during sex, sexual experiences have an inward focus of experiencing your own sensuality. Good sex for you feels like an altered state of consciousness.
Partner engagement is all about the emotional bond between you and your partner. Couples in this space enjoy eyes open sex and have a lot of affection and romance- This is the kind of sex that romance movies and novels celebrate… Great sex is surrendering to the unity and oneness in the couple experience.
Role Playing is the theatre arts of sexual experience… Fantasies enliven and enrich the couple and are shared and acted out freely. At its best, this kind of sex is not about acting, you become your roles so completely that the experience frees you from even your own ideas. Orgasms are dramatic and expressive.
If you want to learn more about these distinctions pick up Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, the man who understands more about love and sex in committed relationships than anyone else around. The book is referred to as the modern day Masters and Johnson. It teaches me every time I read it.
Sexual encounters can mix all three of these styles, or people can be pretty committed to a single approach. Try using these categories and see if it enhances your understanding of the love you share.
by Wendy Strgar May 22, 2018
There is no time like long summer nights to cultivate our uniquely, profoundly human capacity for pleasure, especially sexual pleasure. Our pleasure response transforms our relationship to each other and even to life itself. Focusing on pleasure not only changes how we see our opportunities for intimate connection, but also invites us into a deeper relationship with our erotic soul.
by Wendy Strgar May 17, 2018
It becomes hard to trust your own thinking when nothing seems to be working. The space between how I thought it would go and how it is going seems to widen in front of my eyes. Maybe most difficult of all is how often the undesirable outcomes around us spill over into our relationships, both at home and at work. An errant comment too easily turns into an argument. I become blind to my impact on people around me, caught up in the unresolved problems surrounding me. During times like these, we often underestimate the power of the choices we make and how it can create a path back towards what’s working or down the slippery slope of self-destruction, which my husband affectionately calls “flirting with the gutter.”
Here is my short list to making it better when it isn’t working at all. Each one helps you do the next one, so start at the beginning and work your way down.
by Wendy Strgar May 03, 2018