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Building a Fire

The fire has always been a strong metaphor for the depth, passion and intensity of physical intimacy. It is nature’s energetic equivalent to our sexuality. Fire is the energy of life, providing light, heat and the ability to transform the physical world. Fire in intimacy is the force of attraction that keeps relationships dynamic and whole. Statistically, we are not a nation of fire builders. Couples in our country struggle profoundly with this piece of their relationship with over 68% of happily married couples reporting problems in their sex life.

Building a fire in your relationship requires first the ground to build it upon. The ground in a couple is how you think of each other and your relationship. While there are often moments of frustration or anger in any relationship, if your primary mode of thinking about your current partner or relationship is negative then consider the ground of your relationship. Are you are trying to build a fire on barren land, maybe even a volcano?

Any fire, once built, requires air to feed it. The air in your relationship exists in the communication between you. The quality and frequency of your conversations and ability to self disclose is the food for your fire. It is not uncommon for members of a couple to have very divergent interests and ideas, this can actually be a great gift, but not if the result is a tuning out and disengaging. How do you listen to your partner? It is the act of love that fuels your sex life.

The smallest of fires can become a wild fire without water nearby to keep it in check. The water of a relationship exists in the ebb and flow of the time you share together. Togetherness means different things to different people, and not having a shared definition can make the relationship both unsafe and unsatisfying for both people. This fact is essential in building a fire, because where there is no safety people can get burned.

Good sex then, is both the result and the gift of positive thoughts in your relationship, a steady flow of together time and open and honest communications. If the fire in your relationship is not holding; before looking at the problems with the sex itself, look to see if any of these other elements could be improved. I bet you will be amazed at how it affects the fire.

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