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Day 285: Befriending Fatigue

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” -Unknown

I am exhausted. I am working hard not to let fatigue pull me down the slippery slope of negativity. I am deliberately turning my attention to gratitude every time I feel the tug of anger or overwhelm in the healing journey my son’s life has become. He has made great strides and I have been honored to bear witness to his process.

Extreme illness and injury in my children is like time out of time. The last few days have been some of the most frightening in my twenty plus years of parenting. From the moment I watched him being rolled into the ambulance, I have been hyper vigilant. My depleted adrenals stepped up to the emergency and I was on call- with no thought to my own needs.

Motherly devotion not withstanding, every time I have been faced with a childhood emergency, I have also met a following emergency with myself. The adrenals, especially mine, which are in disrepair can only force for so long and then the whole system starts to collapse. I can feel myself approaching this place now, whereas in the past, it happened more like a tidal wave engulfing me.  I was fine and then, suddenly totally not fine.

As Luke progresses to wellness, I find myself slipping in the reverse direction. The truth is that his accident happened to him first, but then it happened to everyone who loved him. However, it affected me almost as much as him, because I was the life raft, pulling him back to shore. Now I have to get back on my own boat and find the meaning of boundaries again. I want to do this in a healthy and positive way, and not with the fury that comes from pushing more.

Friedrich Nietzsche said, “When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.” It is day 275, I have to find a place of healing that includes me too. My own fatigue is also worthy of love.