“More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity.”  -Francois Gautier

If you can’t clear your mind when you are about to have sex, don’t bother. Coming into bed with a head full of thoughts, any kind of thoughts- from to-do lists to insecurities to anticipation- will prevent you from the experience of engaging sex. Good sex demands one thing above all- your full presence; and orgasm specifically, is impossible to achieve when your brain is busy processing any old list of anxious or tedious thinking.

So how do we fully arrive in the arms of a lover, empty of our mental noise and capable of the lovely arc of giving and receiving that makes our sexual selves so compelling? Frankly, it helps to create a practice of emptying our mind, a daily moment of bearing witness, not only to the nonstop flow of errant thoughts that disrupt our attention, but also, and more importantly, to the hot, sticky emotional ties that bind us invisibly. We don’t often link this meditative work to passionate sex, yet there may be no more powerful part of our sexual anatomy to engage than a brain that can settle. Showing up to our love lives, emptied of our cares and concerns literally translates into becoming an empty vessel that love can fill.

Start slowly in filling the empty space between you and your partner.   Explore aspects of intimacy by breaking them down into the smallest elements. For example, when thinking of the kiss, reflect on how lips, tongue and the space between you makes the dance of physical communication erotic.  Respecting the space between you as a crucial aspect of any approach, not only slows down the process, but also affirms the delicate connections that give sex its buzz.

Even if you aren’t emotionally engaged for the long haul in the sexual relationship you are playing with, have the courage to allow yourself to feel what is being exchanged in the depth of sexual intimacy. So much harm comes after casual sex when people cut themselves off from the feelings in their body. Our feelings reflect the barometer of our sense of safety, of being seen and of being valued. What is sex that we cannot allow ourselves to feel? It becomes merely, a mechanical operation of bodies each trying to meet their own needs. Sex that we do not allow to engage our hearts shuts them down.

Healing our erotic lives begins with fully engaging our sexual desire, libido response and our hearts into an interactive and informative dialogue. The mysterious and often shattered links between our capacity for desire and sexual arousal is repaired in these empathetic links.   Listening for the soft voice in our hearts when we bare our bodies and open up our sexuality is where the light literally turns on and heals us.

Divorcing ourselves from this empathetic response, whether through self medicating with alcohol or drugs, or simply refusing to feel slowly deadens our erotic capacity. So come to your bedroom seeking clarity, empty yourself sufficiently to hold the intimate exchange you claim you want and allow your heart to feel, trusting what you hear.