If you were one of the millions waiting for the last minutes of yesterday’s Superbowl, then you saw the million dollar invitation by Victoria’s Secret. A bigger-than-life beautiful girl, dropping the ball and mouthing the words that millions of guys dream of hearing. I have to admit it was tasteful and said what we all know, that after the sports events are over- the real game is in our own bedroom. Or well, we hope it is anyway.

I had already been pondering this,watching the commercials and imagining the fun explosion of an ad I could have made for Good Clean Love- it wouldn’t have been just one beautiful girl making the invitation- It would have shown bodies of all sizes and colors and ages- finding the moment we all want so much- of passionate loving touch.

It seems like it should be available to any of us, and yet as the Jan 28th Time magazine article on Why We Love pointed out, our sexual lives are not always the one’s we imagined-” the out of breath, out of body, can you believe this is actually happening kind of sex… “. More often our sex life falls into either a routine, where life’s worries like balancing the checkbook meander through the intimacy or the more exciting and yet more demoralizing kind of sex that many of us experience, the kind that you are regretting even as it taking place.

Sexuality is a mystery, it lives in the non-rational parts of our soul, which is why illicit sex is so exciting and yet also so alienating. When carnal pleasure is so cut off from real life that the primary experience is guilt, even as you are doing it- then the irrational has gone too far. If on the other hand, you make your sexuality so small and narrow that it can fit into the small spaces left in the rationale day to day work of living with someone, then it can’t help but become redundant and routine.

For me getting to that out of breath, can this be happening to me sex requires that I abandon, at least for a short time the roles that make up most of my waking life. It is a journey not a switch that I can just flip. It is about setting a stage, what ever that may be, but something that makes the time and space different and distinct from the other parts of my life. Scented oils and toys to enhance the voyage are arranged for easy access, slipping into lingerie helps me to remember that other part of me that can let go. Still, even with the props and costuming and lighting all set, there is a deep falling into my body that must happen so that I can feel and experience sensation without the noise in my head. Then there is room for other kinds of fantastic thoughts, you know the ones you didn’t know you had and wouldn’t repeat even to your lover – show up to inspire the passage.

Really, the whole experience is overwhelmingly, wow, how do we talk about this- weird. But there it is, the real game of getting inside yourself, getting inside someone else, close enough to lose your breath. And you don’t even need a ball to play.