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Out of the Sexual Rut

“And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.”  -T.S.  Eliot

Sexual boredom and the collateral damage of intimate isolation top the list when it comes to the cited explanations for cheating and relationship endings.  Somehow sexual boredom often gets linked to sex positions, thinking if we change up how we do it, we would find the pleasure we are missing…  Recently, I was asked to comment on best sex positions for men with small penises, for women who can’t orgasm, for alleviating sexual boredom… so I went investigating sex positions online. I found dozens of posts showing a myriad of positions that looked more like acrobatics than intimate connection and it made me wonder about what is really missing when we are looking for a new way to have sex.  So, here is my short list of 3 sure fire ways to change not just the positions for sex, but more deeply and profoundly your perspective on how you have sex…

Reclaim the Wild Animal

The sex that we most fondly remember and longingly covet throughout our lives is the sexual experiences of abandon and the sexual interludes where we were swept away, so passionately engaged that there was no holding back. I still remember once, a long time ago, a single kiss with a crush I had on a married man that made my knees buckle. This biologically driven sexual response when every hormonal response is firing, every sense we have is fully awake; sexual magnetism that makes it impossible to pull away. Part of what makes this kind of sex etched so deeply in our memory and so compelling, is that it allows us to give up any and all of our sexual inhibitions. When you can’t help yourself, you don’t have to choose to be sexual, you just are and the ease of surrendering to this intoxicating pleasure obliterates all of our doubts about our desirability and our sexual capacity. We give in to the pure erotic animal inside of us without guilt or shame, because it just happened to us… Finding our way back to that raw, untamed passion within familiar relationships requires both cultivating the internal recognition of our innate eroticism and actively choosing to allow ourselves to inhabit our sexual animal selves again.

Fantasy Fuel

Whether it was an early crush, a one-night stand with a stranger or an illicit affair, the fuel that feeds our most animalistic passions is generated by the sexiest organ in our body, our brains.  Sexual fantasies of being taken, of forcing pleasure, of getting caught and all the myriad variations on the basic themes of submission, domination and sexual taboos live within all of us. They are rarely politically correct and can even be shockingly troubling in the ways they excite. Tapping into this interior erotic fuel will not only shake up the sexual positions you allow yourself into, but will transport your sexual life into whole new levels of inspiration. When I first began flowing with the obscene imagery and storylines that emerged from my animalistic self, it scared me. I would get caught up in the story and wonder where these ideas could have come from. I remember wondering if these were some bizarre recovered memories coming back to me.  But, after learning more about the wholly natural process of fantasy evolution within us, I allowed myself to relax into it and continue to be amazed at where this erotic energy will lead me.

Eyes Open

Although, I can’t always do it, I often try to keep my eyes open and bear full witness to the wild, intense lovemaking that is the glue in my marriage.  Seeing us in this most raw and uninhibited space with each other never fails to amaze me. Who are we? Was that me? Was that him? Gazing into each other’s eyes when we merge as our erotic animals is truly like seeing for the first time. I will never forget one of the most interesting displays in a sex museum I once visited showing the many faces of orgasm.  The unique expressions that encompass so many experiences at once- pleasure, pain, wonder, anger, sorrow, fear… They all live within the erotic animal, and when we surrender to its power, we never know which one will emerge.

No Guts, No Glory

Many of us are fooled into believing that the most raw and powerful sex only happen to us; we are not educated to know that we have the power to bring our deepest sensual and erotic selves to the party… It takes real courage to let our naked, vulnerable sexual animal fantasies lead.  Sometimes I find myself covering my own eyes from the ferocity of it.  And like those old memories of getting swept away in the back of a Chevy, I know this animal magnetism well enough,  that I can reliably call it out whenever I choose.