Good Clean Reads

For close to two decades now, I have been writing and teaching about how our understanding of sustainability applies to our most important relationships. In much the same way that we have come to understand how conserving and sustaining our current resources wisely applies to the way that we build our homes, cultivate our food, and engage in transport, we must also be committed to preserving and sustaining the vital intimate relationships that are the fabric of our lives.

Here’s the thing about people, even those we love: They are annoying. I tell people this regularly and they laugh; sometimes a nervous laugh, but more often a knowing laugh. We laugh together out of relief, too. It’s not just you or me. Let's face it, collectively we are all pretty annoying. 

We all find ourselves in one of two buckets right now. Either separated from people we love and can't see them or with the people we love in a non-stop way that we usually reserve for holidays or weekends.Either way, this unprecedented time is testing our ability to show up for each other and forcing us all to reconsider what it takes to sustain the fragile and essential fabric of relationships that we so often take for granted. 

One of the most important attributes of our humanity is that we crave a sense of fairness and equality the way we do food or sleep. More than just an aspirational concept of governance, like “by the people, for the people”, all of our relationships thrive within the honest intentionality of creating equity between people. It is part of our DNA as we all recognize the plaintive cry of a child’s “it's’ not fair.”

The term “go with the flow” is not new. In fact, it was first alluded to by Shakespeare over 400 years ago – and for good reason. Going with the flow of life is one of the most effective ways to create a more relaxed relationship to the events and people surrounding you, while also making you more resilient and adaptable to the ever-present unpredictable nature of life. 

Let’s be honest. As much as you try to communicate with your partner about your wishes and desires in the bedroom (and in all other aspects of your life), communication in relationships can be hard. Sometimes, when you’ve been with each other for a long time or you have some extraneous events going on, it can be hard to know where your partner stands. We all want to be adored and desired, but the level of adoration and desire we receive can wax and wane over time, for a variety of reasons. Maybe you’ve just had a baby, perhaps one or both of you are going through a major career change … or maybe you’re just in a rut.

I have been working at the crossroads of gratitude and sex for most of my adult life. As the years pile on in my marriage, I am not only astounded by the longevity of my intimate life, but literally weep with gratitude for every moment I get with my husband. 

One of the most common problems that bring long-term couples into therapy is that of initiating intimacy. According to Rachel Sussman, a marriage counselor in New York City, one of the most common reasons that couples come to couples therapy is differing sex drives and opinions on how to initiate sex.

Is it Sex for Love, or Love for Sex?One of the most significant gaps between partners when it comes to love or sex is the truism that traditionally, male energy opens to love through sexual connection and female energy is more apt to need love to ignite its sexuality. I remember well a conversation I had with another mother at the playground years ago, when I was urging her to not withhold her sexual response until she was satisfied with the loving attention she received from her mate. She looked at me shocked and said “why are you taking...