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Ways to Have Better Sex

Committing to move towards a more comfortable relationship with your erotic self is a resolution that anyone can make and one which will heal so many aspects of life, so it is worth a try.  Closing off from our erotic tendencies shuts down all kinds of receiving and giving capacity. Unknowingly we shrink away from physical contact and shame cloaks our desires to be felt. In this distanced place, we experience more separateness and loneliness in our emotional interactions and the number one question or fear about whether we are normal or sexually deviant for wanting or not wanting, feeling or not feeling however we feel, permeates our consciousness with doubt.  

The first step is to side-step this self-doubt by replacing the judgments we hold about ourselves, or even sex in general, with an earnest curiosity. Externally, no one you know might be able to witness this shift, but you will experience a lightness and ease somewhere in your body- your chest, your back, your belly. Moving towards your sexuality with a simple, open hearted question of “what don’t I know?”  is a palpable shift that will decrease your anxiety and increase your wonder about who you are as a sexual person.

In this more spacious moment, and it probably only will last a moment when you first practice this - but will enlarge the more you do it - make a choice about some form of exploration that you will try out with curiosity as your guide. There are literally millions of resources available from online forums, pornography of all genres, erotic literature in millions of fantasy stripes..... Just decide to consider something new. Don’t spend too much of your curiosity trying to get this choice right, because what is most interesting about this experiment has less to do with the new material in front of you than beginning to notice what arousal feels like inside of you. Pure arousal, untainted by judgments, feels a little like a helium balloon that you let go of just to watch it float away. It can make you giggle if it isn’t making you anxious. Pay attention to the quality of your response, and trust your body’s response.

The more you practice accessing your pure arousal response, the easier it will be to summon it and expand its range. As your confidence builds in your erotic nature, consider how you could invite others to share the space. Start small and keep it safe with people you trust. Don’t expect to have the strength to take on someone whose sexual judgments have been previously hurtful. Take responsibility to protect this flame of arousal in you as you would a child.