Here is a new spin on an age old problem- Why does sex often become more tame and well, boring, over time as your relationship deepens? Or asked differently- why does illicit sex, whether it be cyber, vacation or a new partner often have so much more fire? This is the question that haunts most committed relationships- and no, it is not that you don’t have the right lingerie or a new or better vibrator…

The answer is more complex…vital relationships require the participation of two distinct and independent people. Yet the very differentiation that keeps relationships exciting is also the part of the relationship which can be most threatening. Often one or both people in the couple give up their own ideas, preferences and opinions in order to create harmony, or more often to avoid disagreement.

This watering down of self is the kiss of death in the bedroom. If you can’t speak up at the dinner table, how can you really expose yourself, let alone consider unleashing a fantasy on your partner. The risk of rejection looms larger than life.

There is no bigger risk that we can take in life than being ourselves and expecting to be loved. And there is no greater work than loving someone else as they are.  But it is in this deep alchemy that passion is born and reborn. You might disagree, but the makeup sessions are worth fighting for, and better still, you end up with yourself.