Avoiding emotional escalation with your partner is an excellent and often successful way to invite a loving passionate response. It is so easy to get caught up in each other’s bad moods that not doing it takes real effort and clarity. Habitual patterns of negative communication feed on each other. One person makes a sniping comment, volley and return with the other person’s pent up rage. Throw a few over-scheduled children in the mix and its a wonder that anyone is every getting what they need.

Here are a few techniques that help to stop this pattern and open the way for the more preferable and healthier method of relieving tension in relationships- sex.

First – Soften your tone of voice before you open your mouth. Take a deep breath and use a tone of voice that has love and understanding in it. Think of it as a meditation practice. A harsh tone will not get your message across any better and will only serve to distance your partner.

Second- Look for anything you can agree on. When you start with agreement about any aspect of a problem, it is easier to create a problem solving team approach that doesn’t separate you. Even when there isn’t a satisfactory solution, at least you both feel like you are on the same side rather than building the problem into a you vs. me situation.

Third- Try to stay upbeat. More often than not, details get in the way of the best laid plans and even with the best of intentions, life does not always work out with our desires in mind. Getting negative and angry in these moments not only kills the moment and whatever else you might be able to do with it- but it cuts you off from your partner when you need each other most. Find the humor in it. It is better for your heart.

Fourth- Don’t believe that just because you feel something you should say it. While honesty and transparency is essential to healthy relationships, expressing your feelings that will only fuel an argument or hurt someone’s feelings is not the answer. Giving difficult emotions breathing room gives you and your relationship a chance to transform them into something that can get you more of what you want.

These might seem like common sense responses, but often these are key deterrents to feeding the passion in your relationship. Sex is a great way to relieve life tensions and create a bond of togetherness. It is accessible if you think about every interaction as a means to pull you closer to the bedroom or further away. Kindness and respect, laughter and listening- very sexy.