We all love to be loved. We long to be touched and our basic human drives towards physical pleasure is almost as strong as our drive to alleviate hunger or thirst. It may even be stronger, as it has been demonstrated that babies who are provided basic needs but are not touched and handled do not survive. It is central to our functioning and yet often in direct conflict with the relationships that we live in. We create so many barriers to experiencing intimate satisfactions and yet are driven to seek them out. It is a cultural schizophrenia of sorts that drives the pornographic industry to its dizzying heights.
It is really weird actually how many love and sex starved marriages exist along side a culture that is drowning in sexual exhibitionism of all types. I am convinced that all the pornography in the world will not match a really passionate romp with someone who loves you and is willing to look you in the eyes while they make love to you. Even as I say this, I know that accessing this place where couples give themselves permission to experience the abandonment of reason that deep passion evokes is a rare gift.
I speak with people frequently about this problem- often it seems like an issue of incompatible desire, but I think that it is more often a score keeping problem that comes with the initiation question. It is best not to keep track of who asks who and if you are stuck in a cycle which keeps you always on the same side of the fence, then calling it what it is and an authentic discussion is the first step.
Imagination is more important than knowledge. Einstein said this and he may very well have been thinking about human sexuality. Employ all the best parts of your creative genius to evoke memories blended with fantasies. All the better when you can’t imagine where these thoughts might lead you.
Ultimately you have to give in, surrender to the wisdom of the body. Many a night it feels like falling into myself. A deep dive into pleasure.