by Wendy Strgar March 11, 2010
“How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said.” ~Victor Hugo
As a purveyor of love products, I have had my fair share of conversations about kissing as the gateway to intimacy. A little kissing know-how goes a long way because nothing will doom a relationship faster than a bad first kiss. Some of this is a biological imperative, because kissing is the human form of long standing mammalian behavior of smelling our mates to determine compatibility. The human art form of kissing has developed over millennia when our ancestors believed that the kiss united their souls, as they believed the spirit was carried on the breath.
The key to a good kiss comes from the power of your intention, which is translated as attraction and love for the beloved. Even the most technically skilled kissers often fall short when their kiss is insincere. Many people never learned the basics of a good kiss, in part because kissing is more an art than an education. A good way to approach both is to compare it to the art of a meaningful conversation. In fact if you think of kissing as a way of communicating in ways that words can’t come close, the subtlety of good kissing technique comes clear.
Being prepared for a kiss begins with basic oral hygiene. Kissing with onion or garlic breath is an immediate detractor, so brushing the teeth or taking breath mints or gum, is a fundamental. The three primary elements that turn on a kissing conversation are breath, lips and tongue. Although it seems like stating the obvious, breathe through your nose while kissing and let your slight pulling back to take a deeper breath help slow down and connect you while you kiss. Although a racing heart and gasping for air is not uncommon during intense kissing it can be a little off putting at the beginning of the interlude.
Whether the intended kiss is just a little peck or inviting a longer conversation with an open mouthed kiss, the way you hold your lips is critical. Our lips are covered with thousands of nerve endings and have the ability to communicate soft opening as well as firm control. Experiment with softening your lips even for a short kiss and see how that changes the dialogue. Hard kisses with tight lips can be overwhelming even in the midst of serious passion. Soft open mouth kisses invite your partner into a dialogue, which is the goal. Feel for her response. Open-mouthed kissing can teach you a lot about opening to relationships: about how to avoid forcing things, as well as giving both partners the opportunity to be active participants choosing their unspoken words.
The agile tongue can speak volumes in a kiss. Unfortunately, many people think the French kiss is as simple as basic insertion of their tongue in the mouth of their partner. Nothing can kill a kissing mood like a sloppy tongue in the midst of a tentative open-mouth kissing conversation. Consider the tongue like a diplomat, and just like in a good conversationalist, use the tongue judiciously to communicate interest, curiosity and intrigue. A light tongue tracing the lips, quick darting meeting of tongues in the center of open lips is incredibly exciting and will open the conversation to new levels.
Discovering the art of kissing takes time. The patient kisser has the time to experiment and demonstrate their sensitivity and understanding. Rushing in and trying to take control of the kiss screams amateur and pushes people away more often than pulling them in. Developing the artistic capacity to communicate without words will not only enhance the physical intimacy that you share but you will be surprised at how much safer and more open your verbal conversations will become.
by Wendy Strgar July 26, 2018
by Wendy Strgar July 12, 2018
by Wendy Strgar June 13, 2018
I remember one of the fathers of a little girl on a soccer team I was coaching years ago who came out to me and told me he was going to go through a transgender process. We were friends, so I was able to ask him about his motivations to go through the painful and expensive process. He said he wanted to finally look how he felt.