Here is a good book for any of us who wonder what it would take to improve your relationship. The actual title is “The Sex Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis, but the content applies to any intimate relationship. I was particularly struck by the section of the book on real giving.

The premise of giving in a relationship is that when you do it, it can’t be based on what you would want or need someone to give to you, but rather must arise from an understanding and acceptance of what your partner needs/wants at a given time. It doesn’t matter if you understand their needs or wants- what is important is that you are willing to offer something meaningful to them.

This issue of giving and receiving love in relationships often reflects in the differences between partners. Some might feel loved if their partner spends time with them, engages in conversation, helps with chores. The other partner might experience the feeling of being loved mainly through touch, and, well sexuality. I am not going to name names here, so early in the year, but lets just say that we might find this love experience split happens along gender lines some of the time.

So here’s the thing, even if you don’t feel like talking about the vacation plans, or your mother in law’s new dog, do it anyway. It is how your partner knows you care. In the same breath, don’t need to understand the frequency difference in your partner’s sexual drive and don’t wait for that ethereal mood to move you. Express your love in a physical way that is easily understood.

Both of these ways of giving to your partner garner the same results. You remember that song about the magic penny, the more you give it away, the more you have. Real giving of yourself, even if it requires a stretch, is like that penny. Love given is love received and makes for a fertile ground of continuously loving interaction. Love is contagious, kissing is fun, relationships are the effort and the reward.