Of all the coveted human experiences, what makes orgasm so elusive is that it cannot be forced. Even many methods of cajoling seem to backfire. Desperation and orgasm are strange bedfellows. Here we only need to unleash our imagination for a moment and it is clear how much sexual behavior lives in this odd coupling- faking, purchasing, role playing, submitting, dominating, what we will not do for an orgasm is somewhat astounding. Several great sex therapists that I know, tell me that the quest can cost many people their relationship. Orgasm almost becomes the oxymoron in this situation when it is the relationship itself which is given as the fertile ground to grow and nurture the comfort with our sexuality which opens the door to orgasm.
It isn’t that surprising then, that statistically, your chances of having an orgasm are much better on your own than with a partner. Letting go of your judgments about sexuality, yours and others is easier to do for many people than digging deep into the fears and insecurities that most of us carry about our sexual history, preferences and behaviors. Many people spend their lives married to people with whom they can’t even say the word ‘masturbate’ let alone imagine sharing the act. When we can’t disclose our sexuality, it holds both us and our orgasm hostage.
Being able to orgasm with someone, or for that matter by yourself, requires safety. It is the most exciting letting go available to us. Where could we be more vulnerable than in the ecstatic release of one’s center? Being able to find a language to explore the kinds of touch that are stimulating, allowing the strange fantasies that lurk in all of us, and letting your body lead you into feelings that you don’t and can’t control are all essential to experiencing orgasm that transforms.
It doesn’t work to focus on orgasm as the finish line. Aiming for it makes the journey anxiety ridden and makes you forget that you are on a journey. Often times it is the smallest of details that can push you to a place that you didn’t know was in you. But you can’t feel that place if you are looking for something big ahead of you. Presence is nothing if not the key to our sexual selves.
There are probably as many different types of orgasms as there are people who experience them. Great books abound on the many techniques that can facilitate them. Certainly there are literally millions of opportunities to witness them. For me, orgasm is a journey that always brings me back to my center.